The technicians wanted her to drink so they could x-ray the solution as it passed her esophagus into her stomach. This would allow us to see if there was physical problems with eating. Well, that was the ideal.
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This is how it went: Grace freaked out at the sight of all those technicians and doctors. She refused to lay still. She refused to drink.
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She arched her back and screamed the moment they placed her in the papoose board. She continued to refuse to drink. My other child, Lia, hearing Grace scream began to scream. I tried to calm Grace, as four of us technicians, the doctor and me struggled to hold her down long enough to get an x-ray. Sweating, anxious, and stressed, I was close to tears as well.
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Yes, I was grateful she placed Grace with me. However, I was angry. Angry at her for drinking. Angry at her for the stress, anxiety and worry she was causing me.
Perhaps I would have a neuro-typical daughter, sitting in a typical classroom, reading on grade level. It is kept quiet, not talked about because it is difficult to untangle the conflicting emotions. I am grateful because without them, I would not be a mother.
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However, I also feel anger towards their addiction and how it has affected two of my children. Resolving these emotions became easier when I realized how strong the addictions had to be for both mothers to not be able to stop during pregnancy. I met both of these women. They loved their children. They made careful choices of where they would place them. I know that if they could have quit during pregnancy, they would have.
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